My Pain Belongs to the Divine

“You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways.” – Chuck Palahniuk

My father was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes when he was six-years-old. At that time, he was told that he wouldn’t live to be twenty-five, and he lived a hard, fast life. If that prediction had been accurate, I wouldn’t be alive. However, at twenty-six, he was told that he was going to die before his thirty-fifth birthday. He survived, living even harder. Within his thirty-sixth year, my father took deathly ill, and it seemed like the early predictions of an early death would come true, but he pulled through. However, he was told by his physician that he would never work again. Oh, and, also, that he wouldn’t survive to be forty, and so on and so forth.

My father has lived over fifty years with his disease. Read More »

Too Fat for Ballet

I’m a fat girl, and I don’t deny it. The thinnest I have been as an adult has been 135lbs. This was not a healthy thing for me. I had lost 30lbs in as many days thanks to the crash “Your gall bladder WILL try to gnaw its way out of your body through your liver if you eat anything with a .1 gram of fat…and that’s anything at all” diet.

This? This was not something I wanted. I had to exist, painfully, on mostly veggies, because anything else caused excruciating pain. See, what was not known by my doctors was that my “gallstones” were obstructing my liver, and by the time they figured that out, my liver was starting to fail. Funny thing about a gal that doesn’t fever; there was no way to tell until they actually tried to look for something causing pain so bad I couldn’t walk and could barely remain conscious. By that time, I had lost a dangerous amount of weight in a very short period of time.

What was my mother’s reaction? As I was recovering, she told me how good I looked for how thin I was. I felt horrible.  Read More »

The Meaning and Mythology of “No”

HurtSuffice it to say, this post may be triggering. You have no idea how hard it is for me to start this post. I’ve tried about five different times. The problem is that it is so hard to approach something that is so close to my own personal history. I also have male friends, and I don’t want to alienate them. It’s hard to write something that may make someone think of themselves poorly. If that’s the case, I can’t say I’m sorry. This is one of those times, one of those issues, where it isn’t about the guilt it may make someone feel to confront their own internal biases. This is for me. This is for every woman that has ever gone through this. This is for any woman who has ever been told “you didn’t say yes, but you didn’t say no”. This is necessary to say, even if it hurts feelings, or I lose my treasured male friends because of saying it. I’m not one of those feminists that believes all men are inherently evil, but no one, male or female, wants to believe they’re capable of something they despise in others.

So, down to brass tacks:

“No means no”. Simple concept, right? No, it really isn’t. Here’s why.

Read More »

Spring Again

SnowDropsYet more silence, until I push through the layers towards the sun. It’s once again spring. It’s hard to believe how fast this winter has gone given how long it seemed to take. If that makes any sense to you, please tell me how. Time passes so slowly for me when I’m trapped inside my own mind, behind the body that I find betraying me more and more often.

I spend my life in constant physical pain. In 2007, while I had had back problems for many years, they had finally settled down along with my health concerns, so much so that I was accepted into the Canadian Forces late in the summer. Two weeks before I was to go to basic training, an over-sized Dodge Ram was hit from behind and launched into the back of my Pontiac Vibe. Read More »

Dreams of the Dead

BonesMy dreams are very vivid. I dream in colour, I can read things in my dreams, I can feel pain in my dreams, and I almost always lucid dream, to some degree or another. This makes dreaming as interesting is being awake, if not more so. However, while I can control my actions in my dreams, I cannot control the content entirely. I can try, but I don’t always succeed. I know I’m dreaming, I know I have ultimate control. That doesn’t necessarily mean the dream will let me have whatever I want. Especially during the dreams I call my Ossuary Dreams. Read More »

The Forgotten Volumes

nymphI maintain in my mind that there is some creature, a Muse, an Oracle, some sort of Fey that controls writer’s block. Right now, she has me in her thrall. I can’t seem to find my bearings. This may, or may not, have anything to do with the fact that I’ve been playing a lot of video games lately, mainly the Mass Effect series. However, I find they’re actually kick-starting my creative reserves, usually held in such tight check that I can’t find them. Read More »

Broken Wings

As the cold damp weather continues, I find typing is painful.  Also, I haven’t achieved a full victory against the writer’s block yet.  It’s like being a bird with a broken wing.  I hate times like this. I do have several posts brewing, and hope that I can have one up for Friday, if this infernal weather would co-operate!

A Short Hiatus Over

Forgive the stillness of last week.  I could give you the story of how I was kidnapped by aliens, but the truth is, the winter weather has kicked it up a notch, and thus I’ve been in immense amounts of pain.  As well, I have been playing Mass Effect, a game that I find highly addictive.  When I feel the worst, physically, an intense video game often does much to sooth me.  I can live through my character and be tough and useful, instead of feeling trapped by a body that doesn’t let me do all the things I would like to do anymore.

I’ve also been pondering bridges, lately.  This is one of those weird episodes of writer’s block that I go through.  Sometimes, I write so intensely and get so much written that my mind freezes up like a winter stream.  I’m left pondering how to move forward. Read More »

Random Writing – The Shadowed Corner

Hearth(Yet another tidbit, random writing, done.)

Tria had been given a dark corner, a carafe of mulled wine, and a simple goblet. Her cloak dripped dry on the chair beside her. For the rain, most at the combination tavern and inn were in their rooms. There would be few travellers coming in. The women and men that plied the trade of their bodies were probably up in rooms with customers already, and save for a loan bard with a travel-harp on his lap near one of the two fireplaces, well, a near empty room would yield few patrons for their art.

The headache and eyestrain caused by the Flash were beginning to wear off. This was helped, slightly, by the wine and the dark corner. Read More »

Distraction Kitten

I had a post for today, but a server upgrade seems to have eaten it.  As I had a very busy day at my day job, I was far too tired to recreate what I had posted.  Therefore, I shall post a picture of my cute kitten, Thorgal the Mighty Kitty, nicknamed “Thori”, as a distraction, and I shall return on Friday with actual content.

Thank you for your everlasting patience.