Spring Again

SnowDropsYet more silence, until I push through the layers towards the sun. It’s once again spring. It’s hard to believe how fast this winter has gone given how long it seemed to take. If that makes any sense to you, please tell me how. Time passes so slowly for me when I’m trapped inside my own mind, behind the body that I find betraying me more and more often.

I spend my life in constant physical pain. In 2007, while I had had back problems for many years, they had finally settled down along with my health concerns, so much so that I was accepted into the Canadian Forces late in the summer. Two weeks before I was to go to basic training, an over-sized Dodge Ram was hit from behind and launched into the back of my Pontiac Vibe. At first, it didn’t seem like I had been injured. However, slowly, my health problems (bad back, joint pains, sleeping disorders, depression and fatigue) returned, worsened, and took over my ability to do anything normally, ever again.

Soon, I was walking with a cane when the pain got bad enough. Soon, I was spending a lot of time sleeping 12 or more hours a day, after which I was even more tired than when I had gone to sleep. Test after test was performed. I was “above normal, but not positive” for three separate disorders; lupus, MS, and fibromyalgia.

Almost every day for almost four years, I’ve struggled with fighting for every drop of energy. As a writer, I can’t tell you how determential it is, when the creative juices are willing, but the flesh is far too weak. I’ve alternated this winter from having hands that couldn’t bend to fingers that couldn’t straighten, and recently, the only anti-inflammatories I was able to take have caused serious health concerns, removing the only minimal relief I’ve had.

However, I’m finding that as I struggle with the rising pain, I’m more and more needing the release of my writing to help me through. Funny, how that works. So, I’ll endeavour not to put a number of how often I’ll post, but post as I’m able, if for nothing else than to feel the release of letting go of the words pushing against my brain, begging to be spoken.

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