Monthly Archives: May 2011

Too Fat for Ballet

I’m a fat girl, and I don’t deny it. The thinnest I have been as an adult has been 135lbs. This was not a healthy thing for me. I had lost 30lbs in as many days thanks to the crash “Your gall bladder WILL try to gnaw its way out of your body through your liver if you eat anything with a .1 gram of fat…and that’s anything at all” diet.

This? This was not something I wanted. I had to exist, painfully, on mostly veggies, because anything else caused excruciating pain. See, what was not known by my doctors was that my “gallstones” were obstructing my liver, and by the time they figured that out, my liver was starting to fail. Funny thing about a gal that doesn’t fever; there was no way to tell until they actually tried to look for something causing pain so bad I couldn’t walk and could barely remain conscious. By that time, I had lost a dangerous amount of weight in a very short period of time.

What was my mother’s reaction? As I was recovering, she told me how good I looked for how thin I was. I felt horrible.  Read More »

The Meaning and Mythology of “No”

HurtSuffice it to say, this post may be triggering. You have no idea how hard it is for me to start this post. I’ve tried about five different times. The problem is that it is so hard to approach something that is so close to my own personal history. I also have male friends, and I don’t want to alienate them. It’s hard to write something that may make someone think of themselves poorly. If that’s the case, I can’t say I’m sorry. This is one of those times, one of those issues, where it isn’t about the guilt it may make someone feel to confront their own internal biases. This is for me. This is for every woman that has ever gone through this. This is for any woman who has ever been told “you didn’t say yes, but you didn’t say no”. This is necessary to say, even if it hurts feelings, or I lose my treasured male friends because of saying it. I’m not one of those feminists that believes all men are inherently evil, but no one, male or female, wants to believe they’re capable of something they despise in others.

So, down to brass tacks:

“No means no”. Simple concept, right? No, it really isn’t. Here’s why.

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Spring Again

SnowDropsYet more silence, until I push through the layers towards the sun. It’s once again spring. It’s hard to believe how fast this winter has gone given how long it seemed to take. If that makes any sense to you, please tell me how. Time passes so slowly for me when I’m trapped inside my own mind, behind the body that I find betraying me more and more often.

I spend my life in constant physical pain. In 2007, while I had had back problems for many years, they had finally settled down along with my health concerns, so much so that I was accepted into the Canadian Forces late in the summer. Two weeks before I was to go to basic training, an over-sized Dodge Ram was hit from behind and launched into the back of my Pontiac Vibe. Read More »